Friday, May 13, 2011
Thursday, May 12, 2011
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Monday, May 9, 2011
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Friday, May 6, 2011
Joke week- Friday
Monica walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy, "I've got another dress for you to clean."
Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, "Come again?"
"No," says Monica. "Mustard."
______________________________________________
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Four, one to change it and the other three to deny it.
______________________________________________
Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, "Come again?"
"No," says Monica. "Mustard."
______________________________________________
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Four, one to change it and the other three to deny it.
______________________________________________
A politician is one who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Joke week- Thursday
What do you call 300 white men chasing a black man?
The PGA tour.
What word starts with "N" and ends with "R" that you never want to call a black person?
Neighbor.
What do you call a bunch of white people running down a hill?
An avalanche.
What do you call a bunch of black people running down a hill?
A mudslide.
What do you call a bunch of mexicans running down a hill?
Prison break.
What do you call two blacks at a lunch?
Friends hanging out.
What do you call two mexicans at a lunch?
Friends hanging out.
What do you call two whites at a lunch?
Queers.
What do you do when the lights go out and your tv starts floating?
Turn on the lights and shoot the black people
How many white men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One, white men will screw anything.
A black and a mexican are in a car. Who's driving?
Cops
The PGA tour.
What word starts with "N" and ends with "R" that you never want to call a black person?
Neighbor.
What do you call a bunch of white people running down a hill?
An avalanche.
What do you call a bunch of black people running down a hill?
A mudslide.
What do you call a bunch of mexicans running down a hill?
Prison break.
What do you call two blacks at a lunch?
Friends hanging out.
What do you call two mexicans at a lunch?
Friends hanging out.
What do you call two whites at a lunch?
Queers.
What do you do when the lights go out and your tv starts floating?
Turn on the lights and shoot the black people
How many white men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One, white men will screw anything.
A black and a mexican are in a car. Who's driving?
Cops
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Joke week- Wendsday
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
The Holocaust
_____________________________________________
Why did the boy drop his ice cream cone?
Because he was hit by a bus
_____________________________________________
Why was six afraid of seven?
It wasn't. Numbers are not sentient and therefore incapable of feeling fear
_____________________________________________
Knock, Knock.
_____________________________________________
What would George Washington do if he were alive today?
Scream and scratch at the top of his coffin
_____________________________________________
Why did Jane fall off the swings?
She had no arms
The Holocaust
_____________________________________________
Why did the boy drop his ice cream cone?
Because he was hit by a bus
_____________________________________________
Why was six afraid of seven?
It wasn't. Numbers are not sentient and therefore incapable of feeling fear
_____________________________________________
Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Dave.
Dave who?
Dave proceeds to break into tears as his grandmother's Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she can no longer remember him.
_____________________________________________
What would George Washington do if he were alive today?
Scream and scratch at the top of his coffin
_____________________________________________
Why did Jane fall off the swings?
She had no arms
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Joke week- Tuesday
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
Ghosts sit around campfires and tell Chuck Norris stories
Before the boogeyman goes to sleep at night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris was in all of the Star Wars movies, he played as the force
Chuck Norris actually died 20 years ago. Death hasn't gotten the courage to tell him yet
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars. That's why there are no signs of life
There are actually no weapons of mass destruction in the middle east. Chuck Norris lives in Ohio
Jesus can walk on water but Chuck Norris can swim through land
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door
Chuck Norris leaves messages before the beep
When Chuck Norris tells time, time obeys
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding
Ghosts sit around campfires and tell Chuck Norris stories
Before the boogeyman goes to sleep at night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris was in all of the Star Wars movies, he played as the force
Chuck Norris actually died 20 years ago. Death hasn't gotten the courage to tell him yet
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars. That's why there are no signs of life
There are actually no weapons of mass destruction in the middle east. Chuck Norris lives in Ohio
Jesus can walk on water but Chuck Norris can swim through land
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door
Chuck Norris leaves messages before the beep
When Chuck Norris tells time, time obeys
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding
Monday, May 2, 2011
Joke week- Monday
Two peanuts walk in a bar and one was asalted
_____________________________________________________________________________
Two cannibals were eating a clown. One said to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"
_____________________________________________________________________________
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
_____________________________________________________________________________
Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana
_____________________________________________________________________________
When a clock is hungry, it goes back 4 seconds
_____________________________________________________________________________
Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.
_____________________________________________________________________________
ALSO:
_____________________________________________________________________________
Two cannibals were eating a clown. One said to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"
_____________________________________________________________________________
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
_____________________________________________________________________________
Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana
_____________________________________________________________________________
When a clock is hungry, it goes back 4 seconds
_____________________________________________________________________________
Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.
_____________________________________________________________________________
ALSO:
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Joke week- Sunday
Two whales, a male and a female, were swimming side by side in the ocean.
Suddenly, the male whale spots a ship in the distance. He recognizes it as the whaling ship that killed his father. Filled with anger, he says to his female companion, "That's the ship that killed my father!
Let's swim closer!
When they were close enough, the male said, "Why don't we swim under the ship and blow air through our blow holes and break the ship into a million pieces? That will be sweet revenge."
And the female agreed to this. So they each took a deep breath of air, swam under the ship, and blew enormous amounts of air under the ship. The ship flew into the air and crashed back to the sea and broke into a million pieces.
The pair of whales started to swim off when they realized that the sailors were not dead, but clinging to pieces of wood and floating in the ocean. The male whale was furious and said to the female whale, "They're still alive, but I've got another idea. Let's swim around and gulp up all the sailors!"
That's when the female stopped swimming, looked at the male and said, "Oh no... I agreed to the blow job but I'm NOT swallowing the seamen."
_____________________________________________________________________________
One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out.
When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.
The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."
So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.
Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed.
The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"
The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."
_____________________________________________________________________________
Suddenly, the male whale spots a ship in the distance. He recognizes it as the whaling ship that killed his father. Filled with anger, he says to his female companion, "That's the ship that killed my father!
Let's swim closer!
When they were close enough, the male said, "Why don't we swim under the ship and blow air through our blow holes and break the ship into a million pieces? That will be sweet revenge."
And the female agreed to this. So they each took a deep breath of air, swam under the ship, and blew enormous amounts of air under the ship. The ship flew into the air and crashed back to the sea and broke into a million pieces.
The pair of whales started to swim off when they realized that the sailors were not dead, but clinging to pieces of wood and floating in the ocean. The male whale was furious and said to the female whale, "They're still alive, but I've got another idea. Let's swim around and gulp up all the sailors!"
That's when the female stopped swimming, looked at the male and said, "Oh no... I agreed to the blow job but I'm NOT swallowing the seamen."
_____________________________________________________________________________
One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out.
When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.
The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."
So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.
Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed.
The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"
The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."
_____________________________________________________________________________
The Husband Store
A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman
may go to choose a husband from among many men. The
store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive
attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may
choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go
back down except to exit the building.
So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better
than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?"
So up she goes.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's
further up?" And up she goes again.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good
looking. "Hmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"
The fourth floor sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking
and help with the housework. "Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very
tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up
another flight.
The fifth floor sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking,
help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak. "Oh, mercy
me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to
the sixth floor she goes.
The sixth floor sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor. There are no
men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are
impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at The Husband Store and
have a nice day
A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman
may go to choose a husband from among many men. The
store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive
attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may
choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go
back down except to exit the building.
So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better
than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?"
So up she goes.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's
further up?" And up she goes again.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good
looking. "Hmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"
The fourth floor sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking
and help with the housework. "Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very
tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up
another flight.
The fifth floor sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking,
help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak. "Oh, mercy
me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to
the sixth floor she goes.
The sixth floor sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor. There are no
men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are
impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at The Husband Store and
have a nice day
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Friday, April 29, 2011
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Monday, April 25, 2011
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)